Style Invitational Week 1188: Just short words Explain a concept with only 1-syllable words; plus the winning nominations for alternative presidential candidates Announcing the latest Style Invitational Grossery Bag for runners-up; the slogan, by Tom Witte, got ink in the 2012 contest that also provided the ideas for our first two Grossery Bags. Third- and fourth- (and first-) place Losers can choose between this bag and one of the Loser mugs until the mugs run out; we'll get more of them in 2017. (Design by Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment August 11 (Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning nominations for alternative presidential candidates) *God told us, “Thou shalt not kill.”* *We say sure, but it’s fine to kill folks who don’t like our God.* *God says, “No, thou shalt not kill.”* *We say sure, but it’s cool so long as it’s just those guys who dress in rags and have beards.* *God says, “No, write this down. Thou shalt not kill.”* *We say, “Sure. Now who is this “thou” guy you mean? *— Robert Carlisle, Week 495 These days, at least among tens of millions of U.S. citizens, the best way to impress people is to speak to them on a first-grade level, no matter how complicated the subject. Loser Matt Monitto recently reminded the Empress of a contest that her predecessor, the Czar, ran in 2003, and that the Empress had never tried: *This week: Explain some concept or philosophy entirely in words of one syllable, *as in the Week 495 runner-up above. (See the rest of the 2003 results in this week’s Style Conversational column at bit.ly/conv1188. (published late Thursday afternoon, Aug. 11). Maximum 100 words, but much shorter is also fine. For this week’s second-place finisher, two essential looks for maximum Loserosity. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1188 . * Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a two-pack of Groucho-type nose/glasses, each with a special enhancement: One has a wart-shaped knob on the nose; when you twist it, the attached eyebrows and mustache wiggle. The other is called Snot Nose Glasses and has a plastic blob hanging off it. Donated by Losers Nan Reiner and (long, long ago) Peter Metrinko, respectively. ** *Other runners-up* win their choice of the brand-new Grossery Bag we show this week; a yearned-for Loser Mug; the older-model “This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug; or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude” or “Falling Jest Short.” First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 22; results published, oh boy, Sept. 11 (online Sept. 8). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week’s results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . . *WRY-IN CANDIDATES: THE WINNING PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATIONS FROM WEEK 1184 * ** *In Week 1184,* noting the disappointment so many Americans say they feel about the two major-party presidential candidates, to suggest someone — or something — as a better alternative (we also allowed ideas for prez-veep tickets). Many of you power brokers nominated candidates on a common theme, including Ernest and Julio Gallo: *Make America Grape Again;* Tony the Tiger: *Make America Grrrreat Again;* a wheel of parmesan cheese: *Make America Grate Again; *Viagra:*Make America Mate Again;* Vladi­mir and Estragon: *Make America Wait Again;* and Beyoncé: *Make America Gyrate Again. * 4th place Vote for *Torquemada:* Law and order /and/ religious values — a twofer! (Steve Honley, Washington) 3rd place *A wad of cash:* It’s been in charge for a while already. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 2nd place and the doorstop that looks like a red splat of goo: *Mother Teresa,* who presumably is in Heaven, would surely win — since so many voters say they’d prefer Nun of the Above. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: Vote for the Cyclops/Stuart the Minion ticket to solve our nation’s crisis: Eye Alone Can Fix It. (Annette Green, Lexington, Va.) The system is rigged!: honorable mentions Yes, I know that this potential candidate has fallen out of favor with women voters, and there are worries that a run would ruin the party. But America needs a leader strong enough to be in control at the top and can lend support to the masses at the bottom. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m going with *President Pantyhose!* (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Wayne LaPierre* would make a good president — but why would he want to give up so much power? (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) My fellow Americans, now is the time to elect the *Charles, Romano and Bolger families. *Because we really need to be improving Ray’s relations. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) America should elect *Sisyphus:* He’s been in training for this kind of job all his afterlife. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) Vote for *Penn and Teller!* Wait — which one doesn’t talk? Okay, make that Teller and Penn. (Hildy Zampella) Nominate Bob Staake to draw*two cartoon characters *to run against each other. Oh, wait. (Frank Mann, Washington) *Siri/Watson* 2016: All the benefits of unreliability and untrustworthiness without that awkward human element. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *Melania Trump:* She isn’t afraid to stand up and say what Michelle Obama thinks. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) */Sitophilus granarius/ * would be preferable to /Anthonomus grandis/ for president, being the lesser of the two weevils. (Gary Crockett) If we’re going for a lady who can’t reliably use her email, we ought to elect *my grandma.* Lots of people like /her./ (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Chris Christie *is someone I think everybody could get behind. Literally. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Both of the nominees should reconsider their running mates and choose *Bill Clinton * for veep — after all, he’s renowned as a president of vice. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Vote *Vincent Orange/Fiona Apple:* They’re incomparable. (David Lang, Olney, Md., who got his only previous ink 13 years ago) My vote goes to the*Alan Dershowitz/Gloria Allred *celebrity-lawyer ticket: They’re both passionate about defending stars in stripes. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Homer Simpson/ Ned Flanders,* because nothing says “America” like a narcissistic, ignorant blowhard teamed with a religious zealot. Um . . . (Ed Sobansky, Bowie, Md.) *John Wall * — and let Mexico pay his salary. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Elect the *bigmouth know-it-all from the break room at work: *First, they already know what is wrong with everything and how to fix it. Second, it would get them out of the break room at work. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) *Speedy the Alka-Seltzer kid:* Americans need look no further than this tiny titan of the business world, the perfect (over-the) counter-candidate. Loved by millions for his odd combination of fizzy optimism and deflationary policies. And globally respected for his relief work. (Dave McCord, Bel Air, Md., a First Offender) America needs a guy who understands the need for security — elect *Linus van Pelt!* (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) If you put 18 Republicans and some bacon grease in a blender, run it on high and then let it stand for a few minutes, the bacon grease will float to the top and coagulate. So, apparently *bacon grease *would make a good president. (Warren Tanabe) *Shaquille O’Neal *would make a good president — have you seen the size of his hands? (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Let us elect the *D.C. Madam and her staff.* As president, vice president and members of the Cabinet, they will merely be confirming the obvious: Offer politicians enough money, and they’ll take any position you want. (Nan Reiner) *Bozo the Clown *should be president because . . . oh wait, you said you wanted an/alternative/ candidate. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Finally, a candidate that will stand firm, with a long history of supporting senior citizens. *Viagra* for president! (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) For president and VP: *writers for “Law and Order,”* because they can solve any problem in 44 minutes. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) What about *Dan Quayle?* I mean, he was at least harmless. Anybody got his number? (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) Vote for *Chuck Norris* — or else. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 15: our contest to drop the last letter from a word and describe the result. See bit.ly/invite1187 . *